But, you say, we can’t change the past. And I say, we can change our relationship to it. Hurt was caused at specific moments in time. Loss occurred because something happened. Years after a hurt, the specifics of what happened and who said or did what blur, but their impact can still be blunt. What matters more than what happened is how we carry our memories of that happening with us. When something in the past is unresolved, that lack of resolution impacts our capacity in the present.
When seeking to resolve past hurts, consider how their resolution would help you in your present life circumstances. For example, say you haven’t spoken to a sibling in years because of an argument that escalated to a breaking point. Ask yourself what would change in your relationship with that person OR with your own pain if this hurt were resolved. What would happen if the energy that you have put into holding a particular stance could shift? What would you suddenly be freed up to do?
Most of us can answer these questions with specifics such as, “I would sleep better,” or “I wouldn’t yell at my kids so much,” or “I would start going home for the holidays again.” Not everything can be resolved, but everything can shift. And those shifts can change both the present and our relationship to the past.
One path to resolution is a kind of contact and space that is present and respectful. What is needed is contact that meets the person where they are, contact that is neutral and meaningful — space that has presence without pressure or agenda in it. Being met in this way is transformative. It plants a rare and precious heirloom seed, rekindling a deeper, older knowing that changes both the experience of the present and what has happened in the past from that point forward.
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Also published on Medium.
